Hello, Officer Williams Speaking
by Lucillia
Summary: In Psi-Corps, there is a worse punishment than being transferred to the MetaPol station in Siberia. After an accident involving Bester and a can of paint, Sergei and his partner Ralph have pulled that particular punishment duty and are now stuck in an office that's roughly the size of a broom closet and forced to field all calls made to the fictional "Officer Williams".
1. Is Your Refrigeration Unit Running?

"This is Officer Williams." Sergei said barely biting back a groan. If he'd known that that last raid was going to go the way it had beforehand, he would've played sick for all he was worth.

"Is your refrigeration unit running?" a small and immature voice asked from the other end of the line.

_I hate kids._ he sent to his partner Ralph before replying "No, I caught it last week and took a sledge hammer to it just like I'll do to you if you call again."

There was a small gasp before the image of a snot-nosed brat was replaced with the Psi-Corps logo.

_You know they'll add another month to your punishment for doing that. _Ralph sent as the comm indicated he had another call.

"Hello, this is Officer Williams." Sergei said in a falsely pleasant tone of voice that practically screamed "Just go curl up and die somewhere.".

"That does not sound like the proper tone for someone who is supposed to be gladly welcoming all inquiries about the Corps and thanking children for their concerns about his personal welfare, including concerns about the functionality of the refrigeration unit in his quarters Mr. Markov." a voice that was most definitely not that of a child said.

Sergei bit back a curse in his native Russian.

Before it had happened three months earlier, he would have said that he would have given anything to see Bester covered in paint. Now however, he knew that some things just weren't worth the cost.


	2. Officers Toke and Bong

"And remember kids, if you have any questions about the Corps, I will be happy to answer them." A sandy haired and reasonably attractive "Could be your father or your neighbor" type was saying on the screen as Sergei entered the small room that had been set aside for "Officer Williams".

"God, you have got to be a masochist or something." Sergei said as he sat down at his desk tuning out the Officer Williams vid that his partner was watching. It was the standard vid that was translated into just about every language and sent to every school in which there were humans in attendance in the galaxy. It was also the source of his and Ralph's current woes.

In an ideal world, "Officer Williams" would only receive polite calls from children who were honestly curious about the Corps and its role in their world. This wasn't an ideal world however, and the fact remained that children were evil little monsters who would happily kick you while you were down and not stop kicking you until you were dead unless someone intervened. It wasn't just the kids though, Officer Williams had been around for a good long time, and because of that, they had to field calls from teenagers, drunk adults, their co-workers who couldn't help turning the knife a bit, and the occasional rogue telepath who thought it would be funny to call and report themselves.

Honestly, being the Statue of the Day would be less painful and less embarrassing.

_You remember that kid from Detroit who called in last week to report that telepathic shrub? _Ralph asked, neither confirming or denying being a masochist.

_Yeah, what of it? _he asked.

_If anyone asks about the addition to the station personnel roster, tell them that Officer Larry Toke is out in the field on assignment until his partner Officer Michael Bong returns from sabbatical. _Ralph replied, turning back to the vid which was just ending.


	3. Why D'Amico Isn't Allowed to Drive

_Sorry buddy gotta go, D'Amico isn't allowed to drive anymore since they pulled his licence and guess who got the job of chauffeuring him around. _Ralph sent after receiving a message that was presumably either from Officer Victor D'Amico or one of their superiors.

_How did D'Amico get his license pulled? _Sergei sent back, hanging up on some kid who seemed to think his mother could read his mind, cutting the brat off in mid-sentence.

_Some dumbass mundane who was running from the NYPD hopped into the back of D'Amico's car while he was eating lunch, put a PPG to his head and told him to drive..._Ralph replied as he got up to leave.

_How would blowing some moron's brains out either literally or metaphorically cost D'Amico his license? _Sergei asked somewhat confused.

_That's just it, D'Amico didn't. When that mundane said drive, he drove, and he used the poor dumb bastard as an excuse to break every traffic law he could think of. Flipped the car upside down upon take-off, rattled the idiot who hadn't had the sense to strap himself in with a Crazy Ivan, flew a few blocks East at five times the local speed limit, did doughnuts above the Mega-Mart parking lot, climbed up to about 20,000 feet and did a textbook perfect Wronski Feint. Damn near ran into the President's motorcade as it was leaving EarthDome when he pulled out of the dive, and ended up in a cell next to the shell-shocked bastard who'd "taken him hostage"._ Ralph sent back as he grabbed his regulation black parka with Psi-Corps insignia embroidered on the front as it was freezing out.

Literally.

_How the hell did he get from New York to Geneva? _he asked, spotting the oddity in his partner's statement.

_He didn't. The guys from the NYPD had come to Geneva extradite the fugitive who'd tried carjacking him, and the bastard gave them the slip in the middle of the transfer. _his partner sent back as he headed outside where it was currently too cold to snow.

Of course it was often that way above the Arctic Circle...

The comm unit indicated that there was another call for "Officer Williams", and Sergei answered it as Ralph was making his way out the door.

"Officer Williams speaking." Sergei said in that false-cheerful tone that didn't result in calls from a certain superior who should have been spending his time doing better things than supervising him such as teaching that pack of vicious bratlings that were going to be the next generation of Psi-Cops or going to Babylon 5 and harassing the poor command staff who were reputedly never happy to see him.

"It would seem that I would have to once again remind you that Officer Williams does not cut people off in the middle of a call Mr. Markov." a voice that didn't belong to a kid, a drunk, or a snickering rogue telepath who had every intention of handing over directions to an abandoned shed in the middle of nowhere said.

As that old saying went, speak - or even think - of the devil...

**Edited 5-11-13.**


	4. Why I Lost Faith in Humanity

"Hello, Officer Williams speaking." Ralph said, having taken over Officer Williams duty from his partner because the poor man was at the doctor's getting his arm set thanks to an accident involving a climb to the roof on the iced over rungs of the ladder which was built into the side of the building that had been made on a dare from one of their bored colleagues to the South.

"Know who Dexter ish, 'Z Beshther." the apparently inebriated man from Montreal slurred before he hung up.

What the hell had that been about?

"Hello, Officer Williams speaking." he said, rather politely as he took the next call on the line.

The screen was covered end to end with the image of the ass that the person in Grand Forks, North Dakota was pressing against their comm screen.

Seeing things like this almost made him lose his faith in humanity. Almost.

"I'm going to find out where you go to school, and then I'm going to post a recording of this call all over your school complete with your name and face you little brat!" he said before hanging up.

"Do that Mr. Emerson, and I'll be bringing you with me to Babylon 5 to use as a human shield next time there's a crisis." a familiar voice said the instant he'd fielded the next call.

Now, there was a good reason to lose faith in humanity. If one believed that Bester were human in the first place that was...


End file.
